So the saga ends ... or begins?

Pokerstars buys Full Tilt Poker. Sounds like we might be getting repaid soon. Who knows, I kissed that money bye bye a long time ago. I am sitting here writing this blog, because, well, actually I'm supposed to be doing something else. Yes, I am procrastinating. Big surprise. Well at least I took the time to update this, I was actually procrastinating doing something else, then my mind drifted to poker and my brain said, "Hey, don't you have a poker blog?" LIGHT BULB. Ok, more like a matchstick, but I'm here. I'm forcing myself to sit here and continue to type words until they become something remarkable or just a bunch of babble. This is a brain exercise to see if I can stay focused on one topic. Hopefully, this will help build my discipline and concentration, which have been atrocious as of late. My life has been atrocious as of late. It's crazy how things can go from, "Eh this is not that bad, I'm kind of loving this," to "Holy fucking shit, how did I get here, is this really happening right now," in just a matter of like instantly. Who cares what my younger naive thought. I had settled into the idea of married life, the kids, the dogs, laundry and chores. Now, she's gone. I only get to be a daddy like 12 hours per week and I'm back living in my parents house, with my dogs. Humiliating isn't really the right word, it's past that... I almost feel defeated. I guess I do feel defeated. It's not her fault, I don't hate her. Yes, the rage flares up every now and then, wondering what the fuck I'm doing here, but there is just a void right now. Scattered feelings, scattered thoughts. I feel like I did at the end and during bad times of our marriage. Don't worry, you don't need to keep me away from sharp objects. I'm aware. It's weird to describe, but this had made me much more aware. Of my thoughts, my feelings. I think maybe I found an emphasis for this blog..... thoughts and feelings. Strange I started writing this almost 4 months ago, put it down and never came back to it. I was reading the first part and was like wow, this is really good. I like the sharp objects part, pretty funny.
So some updates... we STILL have not began to get repaid from the dept of justice. Not that I was expecting that, but damn, Full Tilt Poker is already back up. Even its just play money, it pisses me off that our money is still locked up. Like I said, mine was just a loan but it would be nice to get all of that back. I forget that this blog began mainly talking about poker.
I was inspired by the idea of starting with nothing but a couple dollars, using my mind to create and manipulate ideas, and to make money. It was such a great metaphor for life, a metaphor or microcosm of peoples personalities, it was everything I wanted. Except, I didnt succeed right away, which is what I secretly hoped for.
In failure, I stopped trying with a purpose. With a purpose to come back in the future. If I couldn't afford to play poker, well, I can still think about it. I can still read about it, and watch videos that others might see as pure entertainment, but I am looking for something else. Instruction on how to play and compose myself at a final table. Not having the money now, allows me time to think about it, how I will want to invest when (if?) it does.
To be able to play poker regularly, you either need to have a nice lump sum of cash on the side, or a constant money flow. I did not have either of those for the last few months and I guess that forced my discipline. I couldn't play. I needed to get a job. And so thats what I did...
I started working graveyard as a cashier and just as I was starting to get accustomed to the schedule I get recruited to another gas station, offered a better position, better pay and better hours. That's the good news. The bad news is I still don't make enough money. Story of everyone's life right?
Well there is another thing that I believe is needed to be not just a winner in poker, but a winner in life, and that is a can't lose attitude. No matter what kind of shit is thrown my way, I'm just going to have to keep fighting. I know I whine a lot on facebook, but I try to keep things in perspective. I have friends on there that are literally ducking bombs in afghanistan or iraq or whatever and I'm sitting here bitching about being a loser. I know there are bigger problems out there but its the place where I vent.
I'm about to hit my thirties. If I keep saying I'm a late bloomer, well baby its time to get my Judy on and bloom. I got big dreams, time to start making them reality...
Here is a classic scene from Rounders for the poker players out there...

Still Going!

It's excited to say I'm still here, still grinding. I was a little conflicted on how to continue with this blog, as I always am, but here is to my first post of 2012! Family life has been going amazingly ok. Life is so crazy and insane that as long things are ok, at this very second, then things are good. Last year was really crappy for poker in general, but I think getting away from online poker was definitely a good thing. I left poker alone for awhile, while working the second job and it was very painful but also a great hunger builder. I feel very motivated to getting better, although my body has been in the dumps for the last few weeks. AC has been amazingly supportive. This latest foray into poker greatness was actually brought up by her.

Suddenly, I have the money, time and support to play poker and the time to preform is here. I have been playing some small stakes live no limit, with mixed results. For the most part, my opponents are pretty clueless to the game. That is the good news. There is an insane amount of sucking out going on, on their part, which I guess is also good news. I am hoping to be able to win, even just a little bit, at least to help take some of the burden off of leaving the other job.

Oh! I totally forgot to mention all that!

I started working at a gas station to help AC with the bills. The goal was to help out enough with the bills and be able to build up a bankroll to play some live no limit. I used a formula of what I thought would be sufficient and worked towards that. I started getting really tired in my job and the boss started tripping out so I decided to quit. My goal was that my poker game could help replace some of that income. So far the results have been negative but promising. I feel like by pursuing what I WANT to be doing, I will have the feeling of purpose which will help bring the money in. Right now, pursuing my dreams is costing me more money than its bringing in.

Hopefully that will change soon... putting in another session tonight. Take care!