My last post?

I am taking the plunge. Inspired by the recent posts of Poker Grump and my good friend Styna I have finally decided to give it a shot. I've been playing poker "seriously," for the last 5 years. Seriously means I was trying to make money and eventually, a pseudo-career out of it. It sounds crazy, I know. I want to quit my job, not try to get another one, to go and play a game. Yes, a game you can make a lot of money in, but a gambling game. My family is obviously completely against this. My soon to be ex wife, well, she's being nicer than she was about it when we were together. Maybe because briefly, she saw it for herself too. That it was actually possible to do. I finally believe in myself again. And if I fail... well, then fuck it. I tried. Balls deep. "It's the easiest thing in the world, to become a professional poker player. All you have to do is quit your job." -Tommy Angelo I would love to continue this blog as a full time player reflecting on my everyday trials and observations. I would love to hopefully, one day, provide some inspiration or guidance for future aspiring players or anyone in general. I believe the struggle is timeless and universal. And no matter what you want to do, as long as you know it's what you want to do. Fucking do it! It's worth trying for. This is what I have been waiting and wanting to do. Time to nut up or shut up.

So the saga ends ... or begins?

Pokerstars buys Full Tilt Poker. Sounds like we might be getting repaid soon. Who knows, I kissed that money bye bye a long time ago. I am sitting here writing this blog, because, well, actually I'm supposed to be doing something else. Yes, I am procrastinating. Big surprise. Well at least I took the time to update this, I was actually procrastinating doing something else, then my mind drifted to poker and my brain said, "Hey, don't you have a poker blog?" LIGHT BULB. Ok, more like a matchstick, but I'm here. I'm forcing myself to sit here and continue to type words until they become something remarkable or just a bunch of babble. This is a brain exercise to see if I can stay focused on one topic. Hopefully, this will help build my discipline and concentration, which have been atrocious as of late. My life has been atrocious as of late. It's crazy how things can go from, "Eh this is not that bad, I'm kind of loving this," to "Holy fucking shit, how did I get here, is this really happening right now," in just a matter of like instantly. Who cares what my younger naive thought. I had settled into the idea of married life, the kids, the dogs, laundry and chores. Now, she's gone. I only get to be a daddy like 12 hours per week and I'm back living in my parents house, with my dogs. Humiliating isn't really the right word, it's past that... I almost feel defeated. I guess I do feel defeated. It's not her fault, I don't hate her. Yes, the rage flares up every now and then, wondering what the fuck I'm doing here, but there is just a void right now. Scattered feelings, scattered thoughts. I feel like I did at the end and during bad times of our marriage. Don't worry, you don't need to keep me away from sharp objects. I'm aware. It's weird to describe, but this had made me much more aware. Of my thoughts, my feelings. I think maybe I found an emphasis for this blog..... thoughts and feelings. Strange I started writing this almost 4 months ago, put it down and never came back to it. I was reading the first part and was like wow, this is really good. I like the sharp objects part, pretty funny.
So some updates... we STILL have not began to get repaid from the dept of justice. Not that I was expecting that, but damn, Full Tilt Poker is already back up. Even its just play money, it pisses me off that our money is still locked up. Like I said, mine was just a loan but it would be nice to get all of that back. I forget that this blog began mainly talking about poker.
I was inspired by the idea of starting with nothing but a couple dollars, using my mind to create and manipulate ideas, and to make money. It was such a great metaphor for life, a metaphor or microcosm of peoples personalities, it was everything I wanted. Except, I didnt succeed right away, which is what I secretly hoped for.
In failure, I stopped trying with a purpose. With a purpose to come back in the future. If I couldn't afford to play poker, well, I can still think about it. I can still read about it, and watch videos that others might see as pure entertainment, but I am looking for something else. Instruction on how to play and compose myself at a final table. Not having the money now, allows me time to think about it, how I will want to invest when (if?) it does.
To be able to play poker regularly, you either need to have a nice lump sum of cash on the side, or a constant money flow. I did not have either of those for the last few months and I guess that forced my discipline. I couldn't play. I needed to get a job. And so thats what I did...
I started working graveyard as a cashier and just as I was starting to get accustomed to the schedule I get recruited to another gas station, offered a better position, better pay and better hours. That's the good news. The bad news is I still don't make enough money. Story of everyone's life right?
Well there is another thing that I believe is needed to be not just a winner in poker, but a winner in life, and that is a can't lose attitude. No matter what kind of shit is thrown my way, I'm just going to have to keep fighting. I know I whine a lot on facebook, but I try to keep things in perspective. I have friends on there that are literally ducking bombs in afghanistan or iraq or whatever and I'm sitting here bitching about being a loser. I know there are bigger problems out there but its the place where I vent.
I'm about to hit my thirties. If I keep saying I'm a late bloomer, well baby its time to get my Judy on and bloom. I got big dreams, time to start making them reality...
Here is a classic scene from Rounders for the poker players out there...

Still Going!

It's excited to say I'm still here, still grinding. I was a little conflicted on how to continue with this blog, as I always am, but here is to my first post of 2012! Family life has been going amazingly ok. Life is so crazy and insane that as long things are ok, at this very second, then things are good. Last year was really crappy for poker in general, but I think getting away from online poker was definitely a good thing. I left poker alone for awhile, while working the second job and it was very painful but also a great hunger builder. I feel very motivated to getting better, although my body has been in the dumps for the last few weeks. AC has been amazingly supportive. This latest foray into poker greatness was actually brought up by her.

Suddenly, I have the money, time and support to play poker and the time to preform is here. I have been playing some small stakes live no limit, with mixed results. For the most part, my opponents are pretty clueless to the game. That is the good news. There is an insane amount of sucking out going on, on their part, which I guess is also good news. I am hoping to be able to win, even just a little bit, at least to help take some of the burden off of leaving the other job.

Oh! I totally forgot to mention all that!

I started working at a gas station to help AC with the bills. The goal was to help out enough with the bills and be able to build up a bankroll to play some live no limit. I used a formula of what I thought would be sufficient and worked towards that. I started getting really tired in my job and the boss started tripping out so I decided to quit. My goal was that my poker game could help replace some of that income. So far the results have been negative but promising. I feel like by pursuing what I WANT to be doing, I will have the feeling of purpose which will help bring the money in. Right now, pursuing my dreams is costing me more money than its bringing in.

Hopefully that will change soon... putting in another session tonight. Take care!

Things I Didn't Get To Tell You This Weekend:

A little background: Me and Acecy have named our yet-to-be- born daughter, Isabella. I believe Ace has picked out Isabella Magdalena in memory of her much beloved Grandma. Anywho, we have had strange coincidences with the name Isabella. Namely one that I can remember together, but I know its happened more than once. We were cleaning out the closet in our new condo. It was pretty damn near cleaned out, but for some reason they decided to leave behind this beautiful wooden mirror, obviously made for kids, with the name Isabella underneath. When Acecy showed me we both kind of gasped together, it was cool.

Fast forward to this weekend. We are playing in the park and after about an hour make our way to the seesaw. Its just me and him for a while until this little girl kept bugging us to hop on. I didnt feel comfortable cuz I was going pretty fast, and I didn't feel comfortable breaking any other kids bones than my own. "Izzy" insisted it was easy and that she could even stand in the middle of the seesaw cuz she was "Fo" little kid speak for 4 years old.

We had a blast and afterward told me she didn't tell before but her full name was, you guessed it, Isabella. So cute...

Post Black Friday ... finally.

Ok, so I understand this post is long overdue. Like most things in life, I left this blog and never really looked back, however, I put a somewhat significant amount of effort in trying to update it, make it look presentable, etc. So I knew it was significant when the damn thing kept popping into my head. It went something like this:

Brain: "Upppdaaate yoooour blooog."
Me: Oh yeah, gotta go do that.
Brain: Dooooo ittttt nowwww
Me: But I'm watching Netflix..
Brain: Frrroooot Loooops.

So yeah, basically it was this circular conversation, and I just kept putting it off. And yeah, for the record when I hear my brain talk to me, it has a zombie/ghost of Christmas past tone for whatever reason.

Anyway, for my non-poker playing friends; On Apr 15, online poker was effectively shut down for U.S. only players playing on the two largest poker sites: Poker Stars and Full Tilt Poker.

Now, supposedly Full Tilt was the more reputable of the two companies, boasting big name talents like Phil Ivey, Gus Hansen, Patrik Antonius and a slew of other high-profile online pros..

However as of the date on this article, Full Tilt has yet to pay back its customers. Millions (or thousands, who knows) of players have their "bankrolls," locked up by Full Tilt and the good ole Department of Justice.

For yours truly, that means about $570 locked up online, which, for an online micro-stakes grinder, equals a hefty sum. The good news is that its replaceable. The bad news is that it was originally $1000 and given on a loan basis. The good news is that my loan shark is a very loving and caring shark.So, as far as poker goes, that is it for my journey. Well, for now... as a wise person probably said somewhere, "Where one door closes, another opens."

I truly believe that. I've waited a solid 4 months for something to happen with online poker and all I have seen is a bunch of scandals and a ton of fuckery. None of this gets me any closer to being able to pursue the dream.

My back up plan goes as follows: With no reliable way to make a few extra bucs per month to help out my hard working beauty queen of a wife, I have taken a second job working for at a gas station near my house. I hate it, but so far its working out well.

I tell myself every time I walk into those doors:

"that this is simply going to be an exercise in discipline building. It's going to suck, you will need to stand for most of the shift, on graveyard nights you cannot fall asleep, but this is the way it needs to be for now... You want to be able to record music and play cards? Ok buddy, well then you need to put in some fucking work."

And just like that, my shift begins and ends a few hours after that. I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to work and help take care of my family because NOT being able to, is just too shitty of a feeling.

Ok onto some good news, that good good:

"Black Friday," as it was labeled by poker nerds all over the world, did bring a few immediate positives into my life: I began to do a lot more work on the music front. Recorded a few more songs, developed some new concepts and ideas for upcoming projects, and actually put a show together for the first time. It probably should be a whole separate entry but its been almost a month now, and all the details aren't clear. Plus, we are debating or putting together how to do the next show. So here is the Cliffs notes:

My friends have LOTS of music. As an honest fan and critic of the music I try to lend my opinion to which ones are dope and "ready" for public consumption. On the side I am also developing this Hugo Justice character, which is really just a manifestation of some inner thoughts of mine but presented in a particular way. I feel like they have put in a lot of work musically, and are decent enough to find a platform to get to a next level producer/artist that can help them further develop into complete artists ... if they want to do that of course, which all signs indicate 'yes'.

Even though it was not a smashing success, I was more than thrilled with how the final product came out. I guess not getting booed off stage was a big accomplishment for me.

I only performed one verse off one song, but that makes sense because as far as recorded material goes they are years ahead of me. I like that everyone got a chance to showcase their skills. As far as I know, it was one of our bigger shows, opening up for Slum Village, which is a pretty big underground hip-hop act.

Me and Acecy are doing better. I feel like we are stronger, even if we still fight sometimes, it feels a lot less intense now and shorter periods. I hope that is just a part of getting to know each other more than we thought we did before and dealing with problems in new ways. She truly is the love of my life, and even though married life can make a nigga bitter or fucked up, no one does the things she does for me or does them with as much finesse or style as her. I pray I never lose her.

Other than that, its just back to work and chasing the dream.

As a comical side note, I couldn't take not being able to play poker online. At first I needed to take a break, but once I felt mentally prepared to go at it again, I couldn't. Live poker is a possibility but it requires a bankroll and I just wont be full prepared to play live again until I can come up with that bankroll on my own, and continue to just play on impulse. Surprisingly, that has been one of my bigger/only (along with the relationship stuff) successes.

Oh the comical side note? I started playing Zynga poker pretty hard core. It's almost shameful to admit, but flopping a set on my Droid felt disgustingly GREAT! Luckily, I quickly realized that other smaller online sites still allow U.S. players to play for money.

So I'm gonna take like $15 bucs and start trying to build up playing penny poker. That's how I did it the first time, at the very least I think I'll get some relief from these withdrawls.

I feel big things are in store for me in poker, as long as I keep the right state of mind and stay hungry for knowledge. I've just also realized how far away from those goals I am. I'm nowhere near them, but just by keeping them in my mind, somewhere in there flowing around with the other pointless bullshit that swims around my head, if I can just keep it in mind like I did this blog, it will come back to me, and it will flourish into whatever success is destined to come.

Thanks for reading. I promise more picutres and pretty/interesting stuff to look at soon.

I haven't fallen off, I'm being decidedly quiet...

In the meantime, an educational video...

Back in the SWING of things

I forgot what it was like to be rusty at something. Fuck, in a little under 5 hours of play I have dropped back into the poker economy 3 1/2 buyings or about $35 for muah. I know that aint shit but still, it always feels better to step back and start absolutely crushing it. The last 30 days I have done some good AND bad stuff for my bankroll.


Ugh. Just check called with AJ all the way down to the river on A high board, got value towned by AQ by some guy who should never have AQ there, ever. REad might be a little off. Eh, I've done that twice today.

The beauty of online poker is there is not too much time to simmer over bad beats, but u can constantly think about mistakes and ways to improve because there is another table available

So currently down about 4 buyins. Fighting my way back though, with 4 screens up. 4 is my max on the laptop. I can do more but I feel the most comfy with this set up.

Ok my game is rusty, so time to just to do work...