"Leave me the fuck alone!"

I find it strange that one of the most overriding feelings I have while at work is the title of this blog post. Let me explain: I LOOOOVVVE getting into grooves. I love starting a new task, not being that into it, then suddenly/momentarily getting awesome at it and not being able to think about or do anything else. I love it. On the flip side; I HAAATE having my groove disrupted. Having ADD, I can disrupt a groove or train of thought with the best of them.

Going back to my opener, I find it strange because, again, I'm at work. If there is ever a place where you will NOT be left the fuck alone, it's work. Work is a time suck, a brain suck ... it just sucks the life out of you. Obviously, I am keenly aware of this fact, in fact most of us are. But we prepare ourselves mentally; either while dilly dallying in the shower, putting on your make-up or whatever million little things we do to put off stepping foot in that office. We know, as soon as we go in here, there will be 8 hours of non-stop suckness. So you will not be left alone, your grooves will get interrupted and you just better shutup, take it and say thank you when that check comes on payday.

Plus it isn't that bad I guess. Somewhere in Africa there are women getting their genitals mutilated, babies digging in trash and unfathomable diseases running rampant.

Now that I think about it, things could be a lot worse...

Birthday Eve

I'm one of those lucky people who has always had positive past experiences in the birthday department. If there was one day I can remember always looking forward to growing up (besides Halloween) was my birthday. Luckily, they were always in the same month.

Growing up and life experiences have jaded me a bit. I no longer sit for hours and giddly contemplate how and when I can get whatever gift was on my mind from my parents. Somehow, they always came through. Neither am I blessed with the luxury to sleep in till 1 or 2 and blow off work just because it's my special day. I realize how trivial these things sound; but I also realize that I've been lucky to be blessed with loving and caring people who actually care and or go out of their way to make sure I have even the tiniest feeling of special on that day. Usually my mom, however I can somehow remember someone different always doing something nice.

The powers of the universe have even blessed me with a beautiful and thoughtful wife who, as we speak, is in the kitchen preparing ME (the asshole of all assholes) a delicious home cooked meal. God I'm lucky...

Lost & Found on the road to Self-Improvment

Since my last post, my brain has been feeling like a combination of oatmeal and baby poo. I can't seem to commit or decide on anything. In regards to my last post, success has not yet been achieved. I guess its just been easier to stick with the same old routine.

However, I think I've discovered a leak in my approach ... wanting. I want to do good, I want to be a better person, I want, I want, I want. Obviously, wanting shit is not enough ... except, and here's the beauty, it is enough.

I was going to make this a drawn out, wah wah, woe is me blog, but I've had a change of heart. Writing about my troubles is no longer therapeutic because I've realized how trivial my troubles truly tend to be (nice alliteration!)

My biggest problem right now is my mind. Just because I feel weak or sad, does not mean I am allowed to become weak and sad. That's the biggest no, no. Rule #1. I am not my mind. I must continue the path of freeing myself from its grip. You see ... emotions like fear, insecurity, anger, jealousy are like diseases. And if my goal is to eliminate them from my mind, or to have a healthier mind,I just need to do so. Don't want to feel depressed? Then, stop it! Sick of telling yourself to stop eating fast food? Stop eating that shit! Obviously if something serious happens ie the death of loved one, getting in a car accident, stubbing your toe etc it will be normal to feel sad or upset. That's pretty natural and has its place in the world.

But shit like regret over dysfunctional relationships (check), frustration over not being able to control your emotions/actions/thoughts (check, check, check), and similar thought patterns are HUGE wasters of time.

I am lucky to have my health, my son and a goal. My happiness should derive from growing all 3 into fruition. It should be obvious by now, but I need to remind myself to constantly be vigilant and avoid the pitfalls of self-pity and immediate gratification.

Become a better me because I can be, not because I think I'm supposed to be... that sounds like a decent mantra...

The Stuff (Pipe) Dreams Are Made Of

I'm on the verge of an epiphany... and I hope to get to it before this bottle of wine ends up in the recycle can, as we call it in my household. I've never drank this brand before, but I find the name to be symbolic for tonight's entry: Smoking Loon. I like Merlot's and this one is smoother than others, a little more sour than I prefer, but enjoyable nonetheless.



So back to the name, Smoking Loon-- It's basically symbolic of me. Because for the last year or so, this is exactly what I have been. Let me explain; I smoke a lot of marijuana. Chronic. Reefer. Ganja. Cannabis. I think it's necessary to talk about this, because for better or worse, this strange and wonderful little plant has had a tremendous impact in my life.



I could probably do a whole entry about my views on marijuana (and now it only seems appropriate), but it basically boils down to this: After years of recreational use, questioning, quitting, then coming back again; I am now of the opinion that if used properly or better put- properly used- marijuana can be greatly beneficial to whoever seeks out its benefits.

Potentially the greatest aspect of marijuana is it's benefits. Or rather, the wide array of benefits that it offers. Depression, Insomnia. Anxiety, Pain Relief. Migraines, ADD, Anorexia, the list truly goes on and on.

So here is where the challenge comes. Personally, I use marijuana to combat ADD, Insomnia and Anxiety IF I were forced to label it medically. If you were to just ask me normally, I would tell you I like the way it makes me feel and think.

Marijuana has taken the limits of my thinking to such clarity, that at some point in my drug induced lucidity, I realized that it was in fact, myself, Edgar Rascon, accomplishing all this wonderful "clear" thinking and focus optimization, and that the plant was only giving me a momentary feeling of good, which allowed me to do what I needed to do ie, focus, act more social, etc.

So... ok. I could continue to smoke and reap whatever benefits I deem neccesary to keep me happy and motivated and the problem is solved, right? Well, sort of.... This is pretty much the conclusion I came to about a year ago. And for the most part it worked. Acecy tolerated me smoking as long as I kept it away from Alexander, not that she needed to ask that, but of course, I obliged.

The biggest problem with marijuana, at least from a smokers perspective, is that its too fucking expensive! $20 a gram, $50 an eight (3.5 grams) is just riduculous. Anyone claiming this to be a good deal is either getting charged up the ass or retarded. But whatever, details, details...

The point is, that to properly use it as I stated above, one needs to stay within their monetary limits. You can't use something properly and go broke trying to do so ... although, I have been there before. With those prices, it's tough to do so.

So how does this all relate to me? I'm in the process of trying to learn how to become a professional poker player, no easy feat to say the least. Pursuing this objective has taught me things about myself that I never wanted to learn. It has forced me to pay attention to things that I was too lazy to pay attention too before. It has taught me that there are some things that we know about ourselves that are wrong or undesirable, but that are more comfortable to keep doing than to fix.

This is where my journey begins. Imagine a world where your habits and thinking tendencies are the ultimate deciding factors of your happiness in life. I have chosen to pursue a profession where this is true everyday. Continually make bad decisions and go broke. Make good decisions and whenever possible, the right decision, and you will get rewarded.

Smoking marijuana costs something, in this case money, but so does becoming a winning poker player. Being that I am a temp, and can only hope to get paid slightly more than that in a real job, I cannot afford to continue to do both. Therefore, I have decided that even though I think its ultimately good for me, I will suspend using marijuana until I am in a better financial situation to do so.

It's going to hurt. It's going to suck, but ultimately it's neccesary. I can probably save $200 a month by not using mary j and in 6 months that should be enough to take poker to the next level.

It may be silly but it's what I have chosen. Any questions/comments? The bottle is done now and so is this blog.... thank you for listening.